Wednesday, February 27, 2019

I'm 22

"I'm 22" by Tiffany Carbaugh

I’m 22 with 3 kids.
I have 3 sets of eyes watching everything that I do.
3 sets of eyes learning and mocking everything that I am.
They are my heart and I am their world.
I am 22,
But have a mindset of a 60 year old.
I should’ve been born in another lifetime.
I’m old fashioned.
I do things most people gawk at.
I am 22,
But I have been through what most won’t go through in a whole lifetime.
I’m independent.
I grew up raising myself.
I learned from life mistakes at a very young age.
Not all were my own,
But from my eyes watching carefully of those around me.
Don’t let that fool you.
Being independent can get you into a lot of trouble.
Never be afraid to ask for or accept help.
A piece of my own advice that I still need to listen to.
I am 22,
I’ve been cheated on one to many times.
Almost more than one can count.
I’ve been lied to.
I’ve been mentally, emotionally, and physically abused.
To the point of which I started to believe everything was my fault and I deserved everything he did to me.
I was consumed in fear.
Terrified of leaving.
Led to believe that no one else would want me anyways.
I am 22,
I have been held down and raped.
So much so, that eventually it became routine,
To the point of which my body would freeze up and the whole world would stop in those moments.
I am 22,
I was “knocked up” at the age of 17 because he eventually “stopped caring.”
I can still hear his words.
“I’m going to dump in you like the trash you are.”
I built up the courage to leave him 3 months into my pregnancy because he didn’t care that I had another life growing inside me.
Everyday I thank god for my brother’s help.
I am 22,
I spent 5 years emotionally drained with an alcoholic who did the same things when intoxicated.
Those 3 sets of eyes that are watching me, had to witness their mommy being hurt.
Had to witness their daddy drinking alcohol like it was water.
Had to witness doing things he wouldn’t do if he were sober such as peeing on the floor.
Had to witness him hurting their kitty, destroying the house, and him being held at gun point by 10 cops in the driveway because he had his pistol to mommies head.
I am 22,
I realized staying with daddy for the kids sake was hurting them more than helping.
I knew I needed to walk away and jumped from place to place with 3 kids until I got on my feet because he took everything from us.
I am 22,
I have been through more than what most won’t go through in a whole lifetime.
But I have learned that even though I am damaged,
It is easier to go through life laughing than it is angry.
Because I have 3 sets of eyes watching me.
Learning everything that I do.
And though I have been through a lot,
Those 3 sets of eyes are what makes it all worth it.
And if I could go back in time, I’d do it all the same because it’s made me who I am and gave me those 3 beautiful babies. They are who gave life meaning.
What’s life, without meaning?

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